I feel so encouraged now. My problem is that I don’t truly believe that balance and contentment is attainable for me. So whenever I try to attain it, in the back of my mind I doubt I will actually get there, and therefore DON’T! It makes perfect sense. I’m too focused on the potential for derailment that I never truly give myself a fair shot. And I’m truly tired. I’m tired of the weight in my mind. The negative thoughts, the distorted view of myself and my potential. I know God’s word is true. I have known and trusted that. And yet, for these last 3 years, it has been so difficult for me to believe that His view of His children applied to me. I’ve been to focused on the people around me that I’ve allowed myself to believe the lie that I am inferior to everyone around me. I’ve limited myself, something that I regret now. But I’m realizing that I need to let that go. I need to let the regret go so that I can finally release myself from the past and adopt new views of myself for the future. I’ve been holding the key to my chains for so long now. I just haven’t had the strength to turn the lock. But I think by now I am so in need and desire of replenishment and weightlessness that I can finally release myself. God be with me, I pray.

2 Corinthians 10:

³For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh:

⁴(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)

⁵Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ…

This blog has been sleeping for the past 5 months and it’s time to wake it up!!! A lot and nothing have changed in these past 5 months. Contradictory? Not really. I feel like I’m split in half. One side of me is pushing forward, making great improvements, while the other side of me remains paralyzed. It needs revival. It needs to be awakened because it’s slowing the  productive side of me down.

I’ve realized that my accountability to others isn’t enough to mobilize me to make changes for myself if I don’t first change the way I see myself. Ever since I started college, it’s been a constant battle in my mind to resist the lies about who I am and I’m disappointed to say that I have been consistently losing. I’m a senior now, and I’m still losing. How sad is that?

I figured if I am going to finally beat this, then I need a space to hash out my thoughts. I remembered my blog and how therapeutic it was to write here, so it’s being revived! Hopefully I can make some real progress here. I may have lost many battles over the years, but I’m praying that I will win the war.