New Series: To Have Kids or Not to Have Kids?


This is the question of the year for me. For the past 8 months, I have been in a dating relationship with my best male friend. We are wonderful together. Because we have 3 years of a strong friendship preceding this relationship, we were blessed to have a strong foundation of communication and familiarity before making the transition. We often joke that on paper, we are a relationship disaster:  asian vs. black/native; canadian vs. american; doesn’t like to dance vs. loves to & can dance; harry potter/star wars geek vs. normal person (haha, I tease). And yet, for all of our differences, in real life there exists a connection between us that makes me wonder if this relationship is something orchestrated by God. He is my best friend and a great Christian brother to me. He inspires me to believe in myself and see myself as God sees me. Being in a relationship with him has brought me closer to God and encouraged me to seek Him in new, deeper ways. Through these last months of getting to know him more intentionally, he has become a role model to me for patience, steadiness, and logical thinking, all things that I often lack. And most importantly, being with him makes me happy. I don’t know what else a girl could ask for.

It is because of all the reasons listed above, because of the connection I feel with him that I am finally allowing myself to bring before God’s feet the one difference between us that has caused much division and angst, to question the one thing that I have sought to exercise control over through self-deduction and rational consideration: to have kids or not to have kids.

I have never asked myself whether I want children because I have It is the one topic that I have been afraid to weigh in with my emotions because I recognize that emotions are fickle and kids are permanent. I have always rationalized to myself, “Why base such a decision with long-lasting consequences on something that can change (->emotions<-)?” It has been my fear that my emotions would change, as I have seen with many mothers, and I would regret having kids. How unfair would that be to them, I would think to myself. But after being in a relationship for these past months, I am realizing that we possess levels of emotions. When my boyfriend has upset me or when we have had intense moments, I felt overwhelmed and wanted out of the situation, but didn’t want out of the relationship. In those times, I knew deep down that I still wanted to be with him, just perhaps not at that particular moment. This is something that my mom has tried to explain to me, but I haven’t been able to fully grasp until now. She has explained that despite the difficult times, the stress, the anxiety, she has not ever regretted having us and has always been thankful for us, her “blessings.” Now that’s unconditional love, eh?

I strive to always be honest with myself, and to do so now, I would have to admit that I have purposefully not asked God for His opinion on whether I should or should not have children. I feel certain that I have done so in order to maintain control over my life and future. Instead, I have logically analyzed motherhood and time-after-time determined that the cons outweigh the pros. But in thinking about the prayers I pray to the Lord, prayers for His sovereignty in my life and for my complete surrender unto His will… I am realizing that it is more than a little hypocritical for me to try to control my decision to have children. By doing so, I am trying to limit His reign in my life, while professing words that directly contradict those actions. I am saying to Him through my close-mindedness that I know better than He does in this area. How foolishly rash and disrespectful! As if I could know better than Him. Ha!  It is amazingly wrong and I certainly do not want to be the kind of Christian that only pays lip-service to God. I want to worship Him by living my life as He orchestrates it. I truly want His will to direct all of my steps.

That said, I have decided to begin a study on the Biblical vs. worldly reasons (not) to have children. It was a personal Biblical study that ultimately confirmed within me my desire to marry, a topic I used to logically reason through and control. Now, that said, I am not implying that I am hoping that from this study, I will want to have children. Rather, I am opening myself up for God’s call, be it toward motherhood or away from it. I only pray that my heart will follow where He leads.

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