Archive for the ‘ Alchemy ’ Category

A New Slate

Psalm 40:1 – I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry.

James 5:7-8 – My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

Romans 12:12 – Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Romans 15:4-5 – For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope. Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus.

Colossians 3:12-13 – Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Lord, give me a heart of forgiveness. Father, help me to be patient, Help me to see how others see the world and, no matter how backwards, be filled with a patience and a hope and an expectation that You will change their perceptions. Lord, let me not be dismayed by what I see in the present, but instead may my eyes be ever fixed on the future that I know You can create/ Father, may every tear and thought be given unto You as an offering and a request that Your will be brought into fruition, that Your plan be made a reality and that present emotions be burnt as a sacrifice. Lord, as You tell me in Hebrews 11:1, faith is the evidence of things hoped for, the substance of things not seen. Father, again, help me look beyond what I see now. Bring Your truth, the truth of what You would have be in existence be all that I can see. Give me eyes for the future. Give me eyes for the glory that You will bring into my life. Blind me to present circumstances. Harden my spirit against ignorance and pride, and soften my heart toward those with such emotions. Father, fill my heart with a love for those in transition. Yes, Lord, in transition. For I am believing that such emotional states are plastic, not static. Because Father, You reign sovereign over every heart and mind and spirit. Lord, You crafted each one, Hallelujah! And You can bring each one into submission unto You. Father, reign in all Your glory in the hearts of men and women. Reign in all your truth. Usher Your truth into the hearts, minds, and souls of each man, woman, and child. Lord, open the eyes of their hearts. Give them Your eyes. Burden them for every thought, action, and emotion that is not in You. For if not in You, then it is impure and unjust and in need of Your purging. Lord, purge gently and fill me with a patience, hope, and expectancy as You bring them through a process of holy enlightenment. Father, may You ways be the ways of Your children. Father, they are Yours, so I pray for You to speak to them. Speak to them the words that will get through to them. Holy Spirit, stir within and only let your peace reign in their hearts when Your truth exists there also. Draw them near, and draw them gently. Let your assurance reign sovereign above any carnal fear. God, I know what You are capable of. I know what You desire for us. Lord, unity is Your love. Unity is your desire. Unity is what is most pleasing in Your eyes. Father, if anything, may we be united as brothers and sisters in Christ. May we be able to look beyond color and culture and nationality and see Your Spirit within each other, and therefore, see ourselves. Father, unity. Unity, I pray for most of all. Not civility, but brotherhood and love. In You.

God, may ye be praised, truly & most genuinely praise, in the hearts of Your children.


New Series: To Have Kids or Not to Have Kids?


This is the question of the year for me. For the past 8 months, I have been in a dating relationship with my best male friend. We are wonderful together. Because we have 3 years of a strong friendship preceding this relationship, we were blessed to have a strong foundation of communication and familiarity before making the transition. We often joke that on paper, we are a relationship disaster:  asian vs. black/native; canadian vs. american; doesn’t like to dance vs. loves to & can dance; harry potter/star wars geek vs. normal person (haha, I tease). And yet, for all of our differences, in real life there exists a connection between us that makes me wonder if this relationship is something orchestrated by God. He is my best friend and a great Christian brother to me. He inspires me to believe in myself and see myself as God sees me. Being in a relationship with him has brought me closer to God and encouraged me to seek Him in new, deeper ways. Through these last months of getting to know him more intentionally, he has become a role model to me for patience, steadiness, and logical thinking, all things that I often lack. And most importantly, being with him makes me happy. I don’t know what else a girl could ask for.

It is because of all the reasons listed above, because of the connection I feel with him that I am finally allowing myself to bring before God’s feet the one difference between us that has caused much division and angst, to question the one thing that I have sought to exercise control over through self-deduction and rational consideration: to have kids or not to have kids.

I have never asked myself whether I want children because I have It is the one topic that I have been afraid to weigh in with my emotions because I recognize that emotions are fickle and kids are permanent. I have always rationalized to myself, “Why base such a decision with long-lasting consequences on something that can change (->emotions<-)?” It has been my fear that my emotions would change, as I have seen with many mothers, and I would regret having kids. How unfair would that be to them, I would think to myself. But after being in a relationship for these past months, I am realizing that we possess levels of emotions. When my boyfriend has upset me or when we have had intense moments, I felt overwhelmed and wanted out of the situation, but didn’t want out of the relationship. In those times, I knew deep down that I still wanted to be with him, just perhaps not at that particular moment. This is something that my mom has tried to explain to me, but I haven’t been able to fully grasp until now. She has explained that despite the difficult times, the stress, the anxiety, she has not ever regretted having us and has always been thankful for us, her “blessings.” Now that’s unconditional love, eh?

I strive to always be honest with myself, and to do so now, I would have to admit that I have purposefully not asked God for His opinion on whether I should or should not have children. I feel certain that I have done so in order to maintain control over my life and future. Instead, I have logically analyzed motherhood and time-after-time determined that the cons outweigh the pros. But in thinking about the prayers I pray to the Lord, prayers for His sovereignty in my life and for my complete surrender unto His will… I am realizing that it is more than a little hypocritical for me to try to control my decision to have children. By doing so, I am trying to limit His reign in my life, while professing words that directly contradict those actions. I am saying to Him through my close-mindedness that I know better than He does in this area. How foolishly rash and disrespectful! As if I could know better than Him. Ha!  It is amazingly wrong and I certainly do not want to be the kind of Christian that only pays lip-service to God. I want to worship Him by living my life as He orchestrates it. I truly want His will to direct all of my steps.

That said, I have decided to begin a study on the Biblical vs. worldly reasons (not) to have children. It was a personal Biblical study that ultimately confirmed within me my desire to marry, a topic I used to logically reason through and control. Now, that said, I am not implying that I am hoping that from this study, I will want to have children. Rather, I am opening myself up for God’s call, be it toward motherhood or away from it. I only pray that my heart will follow where He leads.

Kids: To Have or Not to Have?

I have to ask myself why God would allow me to enter into and feel such contentment and connection in a relationship with someone who wants children, given my own desires not to have them. Is this something He is trying to break me of? Is He using my boyfriend and his desire for a traditional family (husband, wife, + kids, not necessarily implying specific gender roles) to confront my desires and plans? God, what is Your will for me when it comes to children? How would You have me serve You? Because ultimately, that is my desire. To serve You as You would have me serve You. And Lord… this is a difficult thing for me to say and lay down before You, but if I am to follow you explicitly and unreservedly, then I must profess it in faith and commitment:  I want Your will for my life, not my own. I lay down my perception of the future, of myself, of my capabilities, potential, and opportunities before You. You are the author of my life. Write my script as You see fit, for You and You alone are sovereign, almighty, and all-knowing. Your way is better than any way I could ever dream to design. So Father, be it Your will that I have children, then so be it because YOU have ordained it and therefore it is intended and blessed by You. I want only to always be under Your covering, under Your favor and nurturing, Lord. Draw and keep me near to You. In Your name I pray and trust.

~ Amen.


Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Mom seems to think that I am not, that I am allowing myself to feel too much, to be distracted too easily, that I should be able to control these things. Is she right? Am I not trying hard enough? The thing is… I feel like I have tried to swim against the waves of emotion that crash in these days, only to be taken by the undercurrent. Am I not resisting “enough”? What would be considered “enough”? My therapist says to “be kind to myself,” “to take it easy,” that “I’ve gone through a significant experience and need time to process it” without undue self-pressure. But if I go that route, then is my mom right? Should I not allow myself to decompress if it adversely affects me emotionally, spiritually, academically, socially? Is it wrong to allow myself to experience this moment of weakness? I am so confused. I think I need to tune both of them out and listen to the one who always seems to have the answer – my Savior, my King. God, help me to silence the voices in my head that I may hear Your call. What am I supposed to think right now? I am so tired of failing…

Life after Death

It is absolutely bizarre to be in a place where someone used to be, knowing they’re no longer here. How bizarre. I am back home for the weekend before I jet off to the Dominican Republic and staying in my room has been just a bit strange. I haven’t slept in here since the summer before sophomore year. My dad has been in here since then and now that he has passed, I suppose it is my room again.

I keep replaying scenes in my head, scenes of him in here. And I keep reflecting on how I met Death in that hospital room, on March 4th. I feel a sense of strength from that. I saw his work and am not crumbling from what I witnessed. I suppose I am being strong, like everyone has been saying. But, naturally, I also can’t help wondering when I will meet him face-to-face. I still don’t know when that time will be, but unlike before, I truly understand that it is coming – unless I am caught up in the rapture while I still inhabit this flesh. But it is extremely humbling. I know life and what I do with it is important, so knowing this appointed time is coming really inspires me to filter out the crap and focus on what is significant. I am still trying to figure out what exactly those “significant” things are, but I feel I am on the precipice of getting it. Lord, bring me there. Amen.

Mental Anesthesia

Where is the existential unrest? I miss it. I have become too numbed by circumstance. I am too fatigued by the day-to-day to dream and question and remember the injustices that lie parallel to my reality and how much I once longed to intersect with them for hope of somehow raising them to my plane or higher. Maybe my trip to the Dominican Republic will revitalize the me that felt angered by corruption and was filled with a fire to uplift the survivors of marginalization and the victims on their way to survivorship. Where has she gone? Why is her voice so faint? No… absent? Or rather, whose ears am I now activating and how did the messages they carry come to dominate my worldview? I feel nothing. I resist nothing. Everything is “cool.” Why question anymore? Why not just appease? Just accept?

I am numb.

How unbelievably tragic.

The recent death of my father has made me think a lot about life. I suppose that is the natural response when someone dies – think about life, realize we truly are not invincible, that our days are numbered and therefore, we need to cherish and live them to the fullest. All the clichés that, in reality, should not lose their meaning. I suppose I have joined the ranks of mourners struck by such realizations. But for me, they have had a more positive effect, and, it is conflicting to say and likely sounds incongruous, but in a way I am thankful for his passing for this lesson that it is teaching me. I have largely wasted the past 4 years of my life due to fear and doubt. But I am slowly realizing that everything that matters so much to me – my intellect, my work, what other people think about me – are nothing but trifles in the major scope of my life. What I need to return to and inhabit is my conviction that my life contains the potential and power to impact others for good and that therefore, my focus needs to be on placing myself in a position of access to the resources that will better their lives. It truly is as simple as that. I am so sad that this conviction has only returned after his passing, but feel a burning commitment to carry it out as his legacy.

Hmm… wow. Lightbulb moment. In light of my dad’s death, I have been thinking that the timing of my pre-scheduled trip to the Dominican Republic is quite odd. However, I realize now that this may very well be perfect timing and may supply the tangible encouragement to fully occupy the person God intends me to be and the good qualities that both my dad and I have sought, but been unable to attain. He certainly has them now, in the presence of God’s glory. I pray it doesn’t take death in order for me to attain them.

May he continue to live in peace.

hair happy

congratulations to you on your first, full-head, twist attempt! you were so patient and diligent, keeping the faith high when hours had passed and your hands were weary. you kept positive and were encouraged as you saw it all coming together. and now look where you are! no one thought you could pull it off, but you did and you look fab, girl! use this as a metaphor for life. you can accomplish anything if you just keep focused, block out any negativity, and just do it. you will be sure to achieve if you keep a faith-filled attitude. you can do all things. ALL things. because Christ is and always be in you. but for now, just go on rockin’ your ‘do!

love you. stay happy.



A belated Merry Christmas to the WordPress world! 🙂 My Christmas was nice. Pretty low-key. The day was spent cooking, and the evening opening gifts/feasting! Mama really did it this year. The food was soooo good. Comparable to Thanksgiving dinner 🙂 And praise God, lots of left-overs to still enjoy… gosh… I’m going to gain weight while I’m home… meh.

No, but I’ve really been thinking about what I want for 2010 and one thing I’ve been pondering is natural living. At 21, I’m still so young, so I feel like now is the time to establish how I’m going to live as an adult. When I was younger, I was a hard-core yogini. I was a strict vegetarian dedicated to yoga and pilates. It’s a wonder that I didn’t learn about natural haircare at that time! I wish I had. My hair would be so long by now! BUT! I’ve started it all over again, although on the flipside.

Back then I had the healthy living but unhealthy hair practices and now I have the healthy hair but unhealthy lifestyle… which brings me to the topic of this post.

Today… rather impulsively… I did my BIG CHOP! All the relaxed ends have been cut off! Which was a lot – like 5-6 inches of straightened hair in some places (esp. the back!). And I’m NOT an impulsive person. Not at all. Everything has to be planned. But, i don’t know… I just wanted to cut it all off… so I did! And I’m left with 5-6 inches of 100% chemical-free, all-natural hair! All me. It’s curly (type 4a) so with shrinkage it’s about 2-2.5 inches long. And it’s soooo soft 🙂

Ah, but honestly, I feel very torn right now. There’s a part of me that feels so proud. I never stick with anything. I tend to get really passionate about things and then quickly become passionate about something else and forget the thing to which I was originally devoted. (I seriously think I have ADHD-PI, but that’s for another post.) So it’s really amazing that I’ve stuck with this for the past 11 months. Albeit, I totally fell off the wagon with the vitamin regimen, but still. I’ve come this far, which is something to celebrate. But then there’s another part of me that doesn’t feel like rejoicing, but feels like understating this achievement. Ah, this is a happy post, though! And I want to keep it that way 🙂 So I’ll continue the rest in another post… or maybe I won’t. Why dwell, right?

Just Do

I feel so encouraged now. My problem is that I don’t truly believe that balance and contentment is attainable for me. So whenever I try to attain it, in the back of my mind I doubt I will actually get there, and therefore DON’T! It makes perfect sense. I am too focused on the potential for derailment that I never truly give myself a fair shot. And I am truly tired. I am tired of the weight in my mind. The negative thoughts, the distorted view of myself and my potential. I know God’s word is true. I have known and trusted that. And yet, for these last 3 years, it has been so difficult for me to believe that His view of His children applied to me. I’ve been too focused on the people around me that I have allowed myself to believe the lie that I am inferior to everyone around me. I have limited myself, something that I regret now. But I am realizing that I need to let that go. I need to let the regret go so that I can finally release myself from the past and adopt new views of myself for the future. I’ve been holding the key to my chains for so long now. I just haven’t had the strength to turn the lock. But I think by now I am so in need and desire of replenishment and weightlessness that I can finally release myself. God be with me, I pray.

2 Corinthians 10:

3For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh:

4(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)

5Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ


This blog has been sleeping for the past 5 months and it’s time to wake it up!!! A lot and nothing have changed in these past 5 months. Contradictory? Not really. I feel like I’m split in half. One side of me is pushing forward, making great improvements, while the other side of me remains paralyzed. It needs revival. It needs to be awakened because it’s slowing the  productive side of me down.

I’ve realized that my accountability to others isn’t enough to mobilize me to make changes for myself if I don’t first change the way I see myself. Ever since I started college, it’s been a constant battle in my mind to resist the lies about who I am and I’m disappointed to say that I have been consistently losing. I’m a senior now, and I’m still losing. How sad is that?

I figured if I am going to finally beat this, then I need a space to hash out my thoughts. I remembered my blog and how therapeutic it was to write here, so it’s being revived! Hopefully I can make some real progress here. I may have lost many battles over the years, but I’m praying that I will win the war.