Life after Death

It is absolutely bizarre to be in a place where someone used to be, knowing they’re no longer here. How bizarre. I am back home for the weekend before I jet off to the Dominican Republic and staying in my room has been just a bit strange. I haven’t slept in here since the summer before sophomore year. My dad has been in here since then and now that he has passed, I suppose it is my room again.

I keep replaying scenes in my head, scenes of him in here. And I keep reflecting on how I met Death in that hospital room, on March 4th. I feel a sense of strength from that. I saw his work and am not crumbling from what I witnessed. I suppose I am being strong, like everyone has been saying. But, naturally, I also can’t help wondering when I will meet him face-to-face. I still don’t know when that time will be, but unlike before, I truly understand that it is coming – unless I am caught up in the rapture while I still inhabit this flesh. But it is extremely humbling. I know life and what I do with it is important, so knowing this appointed time is coming really inspires me to filter out the crap and focus on what is significant. I am still trying to figure out what exactly those “significant” things are, but I feel I am on the precipice of getting it. Lord, bring me there. Amen.

Mental Anesthesia

Where is the existential unrest? I miss it. I have become too numbed by circumstance. I am too fatigued by the day-to-day to dream and question and remember the injustices that lie parallel to my reality and how much I once longed to intersect with them for hope of somehow raising them to my plane or higher. Maybe my trip to the Dominican Republic will revitalize the me that felt angered by corruption and was filled with a fire to uplift the survivors of marginalization and the victims on their way to survivorship. Where has she gone? Why is her voice so faint? No… absent? Or rather, whose ears am I now activating and how did the messages they carry come to dominate my worldview? I feel nothing. I resist nothing. Everything is “cool.” Why question anymore? Why not just appease? Just accept?

I am numb.

How unbelievably tragic.

The recent death of my father has made me think a lot about life. I suppose that is the natural response when someone dies – think about life, realize we truly are not invincible, that our days are numbered and therefore, we need to cherish and live them to the fullest. All the clichés that, in reality, should not lose their meaning. I suppose I have joined the ranks of mourners struck by such realizations. But for me, they have had a more positive effect, and, it is conflicting to say and likely sounds incongruous, but in a way I am thankful for his passing for this lesson that it is teaching me. I have largely wasted the past 4 years of my life due to fear and doubt. But I am slowly realizing that everything that matters so much to me – my intellect, my work, what other people think about me – are nothing but trifles in the major scope of my life. What I need to return to and inhabit is my conviction that my life contains the potential and power to impact others for good and that therefore, my focus needs to be on placing myself in a position of access to the resources that will better their lives. It truly is as simple as that. I am so sad that this conviction has only returned after his passing, but feel a burning commitment to carry it out as his legacy.

Hmm… wow. Lightbulb moment. In light of my dad’s death, I have been thinking that the timing of my pre-scheduled trip to the Dominican Republic is quite odd. However, I realize now that this may very well be perfect timing and may supply the tangible encouragement to fully occupy the person God intends me to be and the good qualities that both my dad and I have sought, but been unable to attain. He certainly has them now, in the presence of God’s glory. I pray it doesn’t take death in order for me to attain them.

May he continue to live in peace.

hair happy

congratulations to you on your first, full-head, twist attempt! you were so patient and diligent, keeping the faith high when hours had passed and your hands were weary. you kept positive and were encouraged as you saw it all coming together. and now look where you are! no one thought you could pull it off, but you did and you look fab, girl! use this as a metaphor for life. you can accomplish anything if you just keep focused, block out any negativity, and just do it. you will be sure to achieve if you keep a faith-filled attitude. you can do all things. ALL things. because Christ is and always be in you. but for now, just go on rockin’ your ‘do!

love you. stay happy.

m

BIG CHOP!

A belated Merry Christmas to the WordPress world! 🙂 My Christmas was nice. Pretty low-key. The day was spent cooking, and the evening opening gifts/feasting! Mama really did it this year. The food was soooo good. Comparable to Thanksgiving dinner 🙂 And praise God, lots of left-overs to still enjoy… gosh… I’m going to gain weight while I’m home… meh.

No, but I’ve really been thinking about what I want for 2010 and one thing I’ve been pondering is natural living. At 21, I’m still so young, so I feel like now is the time to establish how I’m going to live as an adult. When I was younger, I was a hard-core yogini. I was a strict vegetarian dedicated to yoga and pilates. It’s a wonder that I didn’t learn about natural haircare at that time! I wish I had. My hair would be so long by now! BUT! I’ve started it all over again, although on the flipside.

Back then I had the healthy living but unhealthy hair practices and now I have the healthy hair but unhealthy lifestyle… which brings me to the topic of this post.

Today… rather impulsively… I did my BIG CHOP! All the relaxed ends have been cut off! Which was a lot – like 5-6 inches of straightened hair in some places (esp. the back!). And I’m NOT an impulsive person. Not at all. Everything has to be planned. But, i don’t know… I just wanted to cut it all off… so I did! And I’m left with 5-6 inches of 100% chemical-free, all-natural hair! All me. It’s curly (type 4a) so with shrinkage it’s about 2-2.5 inches long. And it’s soooo soft 🙂

Ah, but honestly, I feel very torn right now. There’s a part of me that feels so proud. I never stick with anything. I tend to get really passionate about things and then quickly become passionate about something else and forget the thing to which I was originally devoted. (I seriously think I have ADHD-PI, but that’s for another post.) So it’s really amazing that I’ve stuck with this for the past 11 months. Albeit, I totally fell off the wagon with the vitamin regimen, but still. I’ve come this far, which is something to celebrate. But then there’s another part of me that doesn’t feel like rejoicing, but feels like understating this achievement. Ah, this is a happy post, though! And I want to keep it that way 🙂 So I’ll continue the rest in another post… or maybe I won’t. Why dwell, right?

Clarity…

I think I know what I am supposed to do with my life… I feel so… excited 🙂

Just Do

I feel so encouraged now. My problem is that I don’t truly believe that balance and contentment is attainable for me. So whenever I try to attain it, in the back of my mind I doubt I will actually get there, and therefore DON’T! It makes perfect sense. I am too focused on the potential for derailment that I never truly give myself a fair shot. And I am truly tired. I am tired of the weight in my mind. The negative thoughts, the distorted view of myself and my potential. I know God’s word is true. I have known and trusted that. And yet, for these last 3 years, it has been so difficult for me to believe that His view of His children applied to me. I’ve been too focused on the people around me that I have allowed myself to believe the lie that I am inferior to everyone around me. I have limited myself, something that I regret now. But I am realizing that I need to let that go. I need to let the regret go so that I can finally release myself from the past and adopt new views of myself for the future. I’ve been holding the key to my chains for so long now. I just haven’t had the strength to turn the lock. But I think by now I am so in need and desire of replenishment and weightlessness that I can finally release myself. God be with me, I pray.

2 Corinthians 10:

3For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh:

4(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)

5Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ

WAKE UP!

This blog has been sleeping for the past 5 months and it’s time to wake it up!!! A lot and nothing have changed in these past 5 months. Contradictory? Not really. I feel like I’m split in half. One side of me is pushing forward, making great improvements, while the other side of me remains paralyzed. It needs revival. It needs to be awakened because it’s slowing the  productive side of me down.

I’ve realized that my accountability to others isn’t enough to mobilize me to make changes for myself if I don’t first change the way I see myself. Ever since I started college, it’s been a constant battle in my mind to resist the lies about who I am and I’m disappointed to say that I have been consistently losing. I’m a senior now, and I’m still losing. How sad is that?

I figured if I am going to finally beat this, then I need a space to hash out my thoughts. I remembered my blog and how therapeutic it was to write here, so it’s being revived! Hopefully I can make some real progress here. I may have lost many battles over the years, but I’m praying that I will win the war.